10/22/14

Ten Toys More Offensive Than Breaking Bad Action Figures

You've probably heard the news by now: A Florida mom got all butt-hurt because she saw a Breaking Bad action figure in Toys R Us and was able to raise enough of a commotion to get the toy removed from shelves.

What gets me about these people and their bunched-panty-attitudes is their complete lack of knowledge and true understanding of what really exists on toy store shelves. Breaking Bad toys offend you? Why just those, when there are literally hundreds of things one could get offended about on the Nerf aisle alone!

All that the misguided offense proves to me is that the offended have very little actual awareness of the thing they claim to be offended by. To wit: inappropriate themes in children's playthings.

I, however, have a tremendous knowledge of children's playthings, bordering on the obsessive. To wit: this blog.

So put on your grouchy pants and get ready to yell at some clouds, for today I bring you:

Toyriffic's list of Ten Toys More Offensive Than Breaking Bad Action Figures.

10) Imaginext Meth Cooker

Before that Florida Mom got all butt-hurt about a toy made for adult collectors on the adult collector aisle, she should have swung by the pre-school aisle. She might have found the Imaginext Series 3 Blind Bags, and she might have found therein - Walter freakin' White himself!

Okay, so in Fisher-Price's defense, this might just be a hazmat dude who looks, well, exactly like Walter White. But hey, if we're getting aggro about toys, why let 'facts' get in our way?

9) Marvel Superhero Squad Ghost Rider

The primary argument against the Breaking Bad adult collectibles is that they are action figures representing offensive themes (and include a bag of meth as an accessory) and they are within childrens' view.

Well, the Breaking Bad toys are aimed at the over 15 set for one thing, and for twosies, if you haven't seen the show (or meth for that matter) little about the action figures is really offensive, visually speaking. Has this mom ever heard of Todd McFarlane? That stuff needs no context!

But back on topic - Ghost Rider here was aimed directly at the pre-school set. And his head is on fire. And he's weilding a mace. That is on fire. And he's a leather-clad skull-faced biker-gang-member DEMON FROM HELL!

For preschoolers.

Okay, maybe only half of that comes across in the toy, without any previous comic book knowledge.

But, you know, that Breaking Bad action figure might warp my kid's mind, even if they've never seen the show.

8) Cobra Commander

The guy is basically Hitler. With Kung-Fu grip.

7) The Ultra-Humanite

What offends you? Because Ultra Humanite's seventy plus years of history probably have you covered. Mad scientist, bank robber, mass murderer, a penchant for human and animal experimentation...and classical music.

Poaching? Gotcha covered: There was once a nice, tranquil and presumably rare albino gorilla just chillin' in the jungle before Ulta Humanite cut out it's brain and replaced it with his own!

He was also a woman once. That's bound to offend someone in Florida. But Hey Kids, he came with a Jet Sled (that converted into a gun)! OfFUNsive!

8) Power Girl by DC Universe Classics

Cleavage like that has no place in a Toys R Us store. Unless it's in the maternity section.

7) Scarface and The Ventriloquist

Breaking Bad toys are based on a couple guys who cooked some meth and killed a couple dudes. On a tv show no kid should watch, and if they do it's the parents who dropped the ball, not Toys R Us (they ain't piping the show down the toy aisles, lady!)

Ventriloquist and Scarface, well...where do I begin? The Ventriloquist...he's mentally ill. A murderer and a gangster to boot. He projects the darker aspects of his personality onto a puppet...that is modeled after Al Pacino's Scarface character from one of the most violent films of all time. Which is loosely based on the life of Al Capone, the real Scarface, who murdered and tortured and robbed and ran drugs and whore houses and didn't pay his taxes.

And this action figure here? It's based on a cartoon. You know...for kids.

But those Breaking Bad toys, well they gotta go!

6) Playmobil Vampiress


Vampires are everywhere in the toy aisles these days, and it doesn't even have to be Halloween. They're hip! So hip, even Playmobil is not immune to their charms, having a few versions of Vampires and Vampiresses (Vampiressessess?) available. And you know what vampires do, right? They suck blood! They kill, and make sex-slaves for themselves, and perhaps others if they are at a loss for a gift or something.

They are undead demons from hell.

This one even came with a chalice of blood.  Yay accessories!

5) Deathstroke

Assassin. Pedo. In stores now!

4) Han Solo


Han Solo is a pirate and a smuggler. Smuggler of what, you ask? I think the official explanation is 'Spices' Like black pepper and cumin, you say? Yeah, I don't buy it either. Mos Eisely may be a hive of scum and villainy, but so is Wal-Mart, and I can get a whole rack of spices there, and it's on rollback. Ain't no one needs no smuggler for no spices!

Nah, the dude was totally a drug runner. For the (Hutt) mob. No better than Jesse Pinkman, some might say.

3) Darth Vader


He's everywhere. Not just in action figures mind you. He's even a HotWheel now!

Vader was instrumental in the destruction of an entire planet. He enslaved whole species. He hopped his own son's hand off. He tortured his future son-in-law (okay, so there's no crime there).

He also killed a whole bunch of younglings single-handedly. Literally, he only had one had at the time. HAW!

But it's okay, because we called them 'younglings' and not 'innocent children.'

Zoom zoom!

2) The Joker


What evil, malicious, disgusting, depraved, immoral, disturbing act hasn't the Joker committed?

It's a short list.

1) Emperor Palpatine

I ranked this guy higher (lower?) than Darth Vader himself because (nobody's Pal)patine pretty much puppet-mastered the heck out of old Annie.

It's a hard-knock life indeed.

Child's Play! Chucky Horror Classic Vinyl :: Countdown to Halloween 2014

In addition to Pennywise, John of RobotMonsterEtcEtc recently sent the Funko Horror Classics Chucky vinyl figure!

'Kids these days. No respect for the classics!'
Honestly, I've never seen any of the Chucky films. But I remember when the 'My Buddy' dolls first appeared on the scene, and the idea of such a doofy toy becoming a killing machine does have it's charms.


10/20/14

Wanna Play?! LEGO Ghoul Girl Series 12 Minifigure :: Countdown to Halloween 2014

LEGO blind bagged minifigures Series 12 are hitting the shelves this month, and while I think series 12 is one of the least inspired waves of all, there is at least one gem in the bunch.

That gem is this little ghost girl right here, and she's just in time for Halloween!

Wednesday Addams? Emily Strange? The Nate the Great character 'Rosamond' whom the creators of Emily Strange blatantly ripped-off? The girl from The Ring? Lydia Deetz?

Obviously this ghostly school-girl is no one specific, but was inspired by a concept deeply ingrained in our pop-culture psyche: the mysterious, very prim, cute in a murderous sort of way Goth girl who may or may not be dead/evil/a witch/a ghost/1,000 years old. Whoever she is, she's wonderful. I would put her in the top five of LEGO's entire 12 series blind bag run!

Ghoul Girl comes with a little matching bear (who seems to have lost one of his button eyes. 'Will you help me find it?' may be heard in the middle of the night, echoing from some-no-where like a breathless whisper), a cloth skirt (which are generally a pain, I'd prefer it be painted on, but it's cute on Wednesday here) and a more rubberized hairpiece instead of the general LEGO plastic.

Sadly she does not glow in the dark, which is a massive missed opportunity. But I absolutely love her black/white/grey color scheme. She looks like she stepped right out of a black and white movie or tv show!