Toys that suck :: Contest Edition!

I've heard of 'balls of steel' but this is just ridiculous. I stumbled onto (thank god not 'into') this toy on eBay. In fact, here's a link if you want to add Captain Metallic-Phallic to your collection! Don't say I never did anything for you.

So who is this guy with the girdered loins, and exactly what is going on with that armored schlong of his? Wait, I don't think I want to know.

Yes, I do.

And that brings us to a CONTEST!

In the comments section, tell us who this Metal Manthing is; what's his story? What are his extraordinary powers? Tell me about his arch-nemesis and his love interest(s.) Don't worry about keeping it clean, just keep it funny. I'll pick the story that I think is funniest after October 15th (contest is open until 10/15 at midnight my time) and send that person some toys! I don't know what I'll send, but it won't be junk, it'll be fun!

So, as Lightning-Rod's arch-foe The Socket said before the fuse blew and the power went out: 'Bring it on!'


  1. I remember this figure well. It's 'Steel Sabre' from that popular mid- 80s series Mighty Metal Merkin Masters which also included- 'Iron Balls McGinty', 'Chrome Crotch', and 'Golden Gootch'. Surely you remember the villains 'Dr. Durchfall Dongfungus' and 'Nuclear Nuts'? Cute little 'Wedgie'? The cartoon show theme music was a bit like Yogi's Treasure Hunt.

    My friend claims the same mould was used later on a Ninja Conan in the Conan the Adventurer range. I don't believe him.

  2. HAHAHAHA, the rod...I mean bar has been set pretty high with eye-melt's entry!

  3. Richard "ButtDart" Steel wasn't like other men: union laborer by day & proffessional armwrestler by night, his life changed forever in a freak masurbatory accident. Members of the secret society for he-men woman-haters (H.A.R.D.O.N.) seized the opportunity to make things uncomfortable for any woman Richard beds (as well as for himself) by replacing his junk with the world's most powerful pneumatic ding-a-ling.

  4. Ah now this is classic i have not seen in a very long while...Big Steel Schwartz from The Men Of Mighty Long Metal toyline from back in the 80s. Made to cash in on the popular fad of buff action figure with large packages...er i mean packed in large packages these action figures were designed with action in mind! It would appeal to not only fans of He-Man but for lonely soccer moms too. Other figures included Manly Dingo,Spear Cummings,Rocky Hard and Ron Jeremy. All figures had a vibrating action feature and Ron Jeremy had actual flocking on his body to simulate hair. Just a great but forgotten toyline from the Rimco toy company.

  5. Good lord every one of these is laugh out loud hilarious.

    Y'all have some stiff competition. Judging this one is going to be hard.

    Very very hard.

  6. Rodimus Maximus was originally an agent of the super secret spy group, W.A.N.G. (World Agents Need Girls). He was on a mission to defeat a counterfeit cockring...ring, when he was captured by the evil Psycho Beaver. Rod's rod was subjected to xxx-rays in Psycho Beaver's Gloryhole of Terror and Doom (sold separately), causing it to transform into a massive mutant member. Rodimus escaped, and with the help of his good friend, Dr. Schlongwaggler, Rodimus encased his man meat in an indestructible sheath of wangnium.

    Using his super-strength and ultra powerful penile punisher, Rodimus Maximus wages war against his enemies, Psycho Beaver, Impotentor, and The Smegma! He is aided in his battle by Dr. Schlongwaggler, and his long time lover, the mysterious Fellatia.

  7. Veteran pornography studd, Longfellow Dickinson, lost his primary working tool in a boar related accident while shooting a love scene in the forest which involved a couple ladies and a couple pounds of corn.

    Devastated by the loss of his manhood, Longfellow visited Pan's shire in an ancient Greek cave. The god of ancient pornogrpahy and sick, sick fetishes knew Dickinson's fervent promotion of unrestrained love, and thus decided to compensate Longfellow with a new package made of an aethereal, unbreakable, "sempre erectus" alloy.

    But Longfellow's new set put a huge responsabilty on his shoulders: Pan was in need of a champion capable of battling Momo, a cosmic sloth, promoter of chastity, master castrator.

    Now Longfellow Dickinson travels the universe in Pan's ancient ship, Horspheres, pleasing femme fatales, vanishing planet-size STD's and admiring his package every once in a while under the light of a thousand passionate stars.

    He crashes asteroids with the garden hose at intergalactic nightclubs for a living.

  8. It's "Major Helmet".He originally came carded in a three-pack with "Lt. Long Dong" and "Master Bator".I can still remember the jingle used to promote the toy line"Fighting crime in a distant time,show me yours and i'll show you mine!"This truly is a great figure but he's so "HARD" to find.

  9. I forgot to mention "Major Helmets" love interest "Samantha Spinner" and his arch-nemesis "Willie Weatherballs" who had the uncanny ability to alter the weather by flicking his cojones!Both were mail-away figures.

  10. Haha these are all great! Winning may be a long shot, but someone has to rise to the head of the class!


  12. Seriously, everyone. I can't believe you don't recognize Desert Ant-Injection Rambu. It was part of a line of knockoff Rambo figures from the 80's. That's not a cod-piece, it's the robot ant. The convoluted story from the mini-comics that came with the toys was that Rambu and the Freedom Fighters was fighting an evil army called EVIL, made up of soldiers from all of the countries that hated America. One night, while EVIL was plotting to blow up the United States, a space ship crashed near their headquarters and alien robot insects emerged. They were part of the evil space pirate army known as the Buggerers. The Buggerer's burrowed into the EVIL soldiers bodies and took them over, turning them into monstrous half-insect-half-evil-soldier mutants with super powers that mirrored the insect parasites. The EVIL Buggerers decided to take over Earth and using the EVIL soldiers memories, decided that they had to destroy the only thing that stood in their way, Rambu and the Freedom Fighters.

    They attacked Rambu and his friends, and the EVIL Buggerers, with their powers, had the upper hand. Then another space ship crashed nearby. This ship carried Captain Thorax and the Crawling Commandoes, robot insect police officers who were chasing the Buggerers. Seeing that they had a common enemy, Captain Thorax a partnership with the Freedom Fighters and Rambu agreed. The Crawling Commandoes crawled onto the Freedom Fighters and joined with them symbiotically. While Rambu was in control, Commander Thorax could advise him in his mind and inject him with Stereo-oids, a chemical that granted Rambu the power of the Ant: super strength, allowing him to carry a thousand times his own weight. Together they fight to stop the EVIL Buggerers. And in every mini-comic, when Rambu and his Freedom Fighters realized they had to fight the EVIL Buggerers there would be a transformation scene where the metal ant would climb up Rambu's leg, attach himself onto Rambu's belt, and then bite into Rambu's groin to begin injecting the Stereo-oids.

    Rambu's arch-enemy in the line was the leader of the EVIL Buggerers, Colonel Batel Rhinoski, a Soviet Officer that had merged with the Pirate Captain, a large rhino beetle and gained a giant horn and super-strength. The other EVIL Buggerers included Sheik Al'Rac'nia, el Jefe Mosquita, the Dragon(fly) Lady and Verner Termiter.

    Rambu didn't really have a love interest, however some fans claimed there was sexual tension between him and Honey B. Smith. She was the only woman on the Freedom Fighters and her Crawling Commandoes partner was a robot queen bee. The bee injected the stereo-oids in Honey with its stinger, and there were some groups that claimed the area she was stung in the mini comic was obscene. When she was had Stereo-oids she gained the ability to fly (the only member of the Freedom Fighters who could) and shoot metal darts (called Stings) from a bracelet on her wrist.

    The toy line only lasted one wave, and the mini-comics are hard to find, but since each figure came with a unique mini-comic it meant there was actually some heft to the toy line's mythology.

  13. That sounds actually quite plausible for an eighties toyline, Action Ranger Timmy!

  14. Really, none of you remember this guy? Of course, he's missing his snap-on armor pieces (that's why there's the holes on his biceps), which makes it difficult to recognize him.

    Anyway, this is clearly Maximum Sinbad from the very short-lived animated series of the same name. This redubbed Japanese anime (the original title translated as "High Power Super Pirate Sinbad Ultra Model X" but I guess that didn't fly for the US market). Maximum Sinbad is supposed to be the mythical Sinbad from the Arabian Nights restored to life by the magician Rathu Perplex to defend the Earth against the invading Argulathides (they looked like golden gorillas who wore purple togas and carried ridiculously large laser rifles).

    Anyway, Maximum Sinbad would hang out with his friends (the inevitable kid who wanted to come along with Maximum Sinbad on his Space Sail Ship, the daughter of Rathu Perplex -- who wasn't a magician like her father, but rather was an expert with a laser sword, a lab guy who was about three feet tall and three feet wide, whose glasses covered up most of his head) waiting for word of the latest Argulanthide attack on Earth. When the word came, Sinbad would leap onto the deck of his Space Sail Ship, the Starglider, with Mari Perplex at his side and the robot sidekick ABE (they never got around to telling us if ABE stood for something or not) to take their foes on. Once things got to be a bit too rough for Sinbad, he would place both of his hands on his mighty belt buckle and shout, "MAXIMUM SINBAD!" Then a burst of mystical energy would surround him, causing his magical armor to appear on him that allowed him to fly, gave him super-strength, and he could shoot blasts of energy from his hands.

    The Starglider, in the last episode shown in the USA, could convert into a giant robot warrior, which was apparently called Solar Fist X-1.

    Anyway, they produced action figures of Maximum Sinbad, ABE, an Argulanthide warrior, and Mari Perplex (although she was always shortpacked, 1 per case).

    When you put the mystic armor pieces on him, the chestplate actually has a cutout for the belt buckle.

    What I'd heard about the original Japanese carton was that it was actually intended purely for adults, with a lot of sexual puns going on, and apparently when it was bought for the US market (I think Sandy Frank was behind it), they weren't aware of it, and pretty much tossed out what they didn't understand to create all-new stuff.

    Oh, I almost forgot, Sinbad had an alien parrot pet named Sparky (for no real reason... it didn't have electric powers or anything like that) that apparently used to belong to the Argulanthide leader, Super Major Kong-Kong. In the first episode, Sparky escaped from Super Major Kong-Kong because he didn't like his ability to translate languages misused for conquest. In Japan, there was an electronic Sparky (or whatever they called it there) that had a built-in motion sensor, and when it was set off, it would make crude sexual come-ons, and then immediately apologize. It was apparently a popular item for bars to place above urinals in the men's room, because it had a female voice!

    Obviously, they never did a US version of Sparky.

    Anyway, the only other character produced as a toy in Japan was the one that the US version called Mari Perplex, and you don't really want to read about what I've heard about that... better left unsaid.

    Only 12 episodes were shown in the USA, apparently in first-run syndication in 1989 on some obscure cable channel that went out of business and off the air two days after that 12th episode aired.

  15. And we end with another plausible entry by Jon K!

    The decision will be HARD for sure!

    Okay folks, I'll announce a winner later this week. Stay tuned!